If I have to scrounge up every penny and turn in cans and bottles for money, I'm getting the fuck out of this country sometime in the spring. I need a break from this.

"You don't need to know English to go to bed."
- Lupe, ESOL student, on meeting her American husband

Also, pilgrimage to Jim Morrison's grave in 2011? It'll be 40 years since he died (allegedly).

Another year passed. I swear, I can't decide if I'm blessed or lucky. Or both.

Birthdays never quite go as planned, but I think it went well enough. I bought cupcakes in South Boston and walked around there for a bit. If Dorchester is like East Baltimore, Southie is kinda like the Hampden area. So I felt at home there too, in a way; most of non-Back Bay/Fenway parts of Boston remind me of Baltimore. Real Boston, which is quite different from the BU bubble, is growing on me.


Because my roommate's car got broken into, I didn't get to meet "Emmett" from Twilight (we were too late when we got there), but I got his autographed picture. He's just as hot in person, though.

I can't stop planning for the future. I went to a Catholic Center retreat this past weekend and one girl, who I've deemed some kind of guru, said I need to give myself permission to relax. I've never been good at that, because unfortunately, "I make lists in my sleep," or something. I just want to plan for what's coming next, though you never really can. Go abroad, stay in Boston, move home... I try to play out every possible scenario.

It's been such a strange year.

I only regret things I say and very rarely do I regret the things I do. Talking seems to be the most ineffective medium for expressing my emotions.

I've been meaning to post, but I can't think of much to say. Aside from seeing my friends and family, I feel like the summer went by in kind of a haze of mediocrity (again). Pottery was ok, GRE prep was ok... just meh. My pottery teacher is the embodiment of tragedy. I called her last week to see if she'd be at the studio and told me she wouldn't, because he brother had been murdered. At the beginning of August she almost died in a car accident. Is that called bad luck? I have no idea.

I've been pretty lazy about studying for the GRE on my own, and I've read the entire Twilight series instead. It happens. Meanwhile, I'm sure I will now do worse on the test because of that. But anyways, I devote my summers to reading nonsense and nonsense I did. I'll take some of my philosopohy books to Boston...

Oh yeah so I went to Toronto last week for a few days. My family is pretty last minute so that was only done after a week of planning. Also, I need a new passport, so I had to bring like 5 forms of ID. It's seems like a nice city, from what I saw. We stayed downtown & didn't really get to see too much outside of that area, but we ate in Chinatown, saw some of Yorkville and the Queens Street neighborhoods... and went to the Royal Ontario Museum, Casa Loma, and University of Toronto. UT would have been nice for undergrad but it's ginormous and that's not what I'm looking for for grad school. There are some other schools in the area I want to look at too, but my GPA is so low and a lot of Canadian schools don't seem to accept the GRE... so we'll see. Also, I had made a point to watch the news there everyday. There had been 31 murders this year up until last week, bear in mind that this city has a couple million people. Baltimore has less than a million people and around 200+ murders this year alone. I was definitely sold on the low incidences of violent crime and also on the diversity & tolerance. I feel like people mind their own business and I like that. Adaptation, not assimilation. They'll make me a Canuck yet.

We drove to and from Toronto and I spent the first half of the drive there being hungover due to the free happy hour I won and attended the night before. All in all I'm going to say it was a good night but I'm hoping old Rachel isn't planning a return. And I suppose though I can cross British guy off my list of people I must make out with. That is all.

P.S.: Almost forgot, working at Barnes and Nobles has been cool. Makes me soooooo happy that I'm not buying textbooks and going back to school. I thought I'd be sad, but I feel sorry for everyone else, especially the panicky parents. Additionally, JHU busy < BU busy. Yay for 16,000 undergrads making most crowds seem small. And I thought I wouldn't be prepared for the real world.

My life in a nutshell:

Randall and I decided the thrill is gone and we're just going to be friends. I initiated the conversation, but he was feeling the same way. We're trying to stay friends. Regardless of his (and my) flaws and missteps, I still enjoy talking to him.

Otakon was... ok. I felt guilty for spending money on it, the hotel, and food and what have you since I'm not working, but it was certainly a good break from the monotony that is my daily life. I am feeling a bit distant from anime culture, which may have to do w/ the fact that I have been watching good American tv since I've been home (see Dexter, Party Down, rekindled love of Entourage, etc.), so I've had little desire to watch anime, unlike before when I couldn't find much else to watch. I still enjoy reading manga, though. I also get bored watching anime alone. Conventions always make me wonder where these people are the rest of the year.

Speaking of unemployment, I'm going to be working at the Barnes & Nobles at Johns Hopkins helping out w/ back-to-school stuff. I'm some kind of triple threat since I have barista, cashier, and book experience. I'm excited for money.

GRE prep class is reminding me how poor of a vocabulary I have and no concept of reading comprehension. No wonder I never knew what was going on throughout 90% of college. I'm definitely not on the level I should be for someone who wants to pursue graduate school. The class made me miss Andrea and Matt b/c the teacher is like that awkward TA/professor we make fun of. He said he loves insurance b/c it analyzes risk. Who says that?

I'm pretty indifferent towards the Fall right now. I think that the volunteer coordinator at Project Hope thought Homes for Families [the director of Project Hope is on the board for Homes for Families so they're sort of affiliated] was a better fit for me so I'll mostly be doing administrative stuff & childcare there, but I'm pushing to do some tutoring at Project Hope once a week. I like the flexibility and openness of it all, though, and that there's choices.

I miss Boston. I realized that when I was watching the travel channel (which is how I spend about 2 hrs each day) and it showed the Cape. I miss the accents and even the Massholes. I can't decide if that's where I want to be for grad school, life. I'm thinking Virginia, which is southern enough to be friendlier than Baltimore but not necessarily scary, Chicago, or Toronto. One of my high school friends lives in the Chicago area and we've been talking semi-seriously about living together since high school. I think it's feasible, though I generally don't want to live with a guy unless I'm married to him (and there's my conservative side), I've always been able to envision Tony and I getting along. Toronto just goes w/ my 4th grade obsession with Canada. It's diverse, not as far away as I thought, and fairly safe (though according to wiki there are allegedly some gangs). So we'll see. But I know nothing about their schools, or Canadien education, which is probably bad since I want to be a teacher.

I haven't written in a while, mostly because nothing is going on. Well some stuff is going on, but nothing major. I was working at Friends for 3 weeks as usual when I got home. That was okay I guess, but I think this will be my last year there. I'm kind of over the spoiled, know-it-all kids and I was never particularly close with any of the counselors, except two sorta. One I only got to see for one day before she went to the Phillipines, and the other (a former counselor) I just ran into the other day. Anyway, Friends was super blah. In the mean time I've been watching a lot of TV and seeing some friends and family, though I'm feeling my home base of friends is dwindling, not that it was ever that large to begin with. I think I'll see some people later on, but who knows? So mostly I've just been hanging out w/ Alec and Alec-related people.

I'm taking a pottery class which started last Friday and I'm pretty terrible so far. The teacher is everything one would expect of an art teacher- quirky, random, and brutally honest. All of my work has been "a mess." It's fun though, I went on Tuesday just to practice using the wheel. The teacher says we're making the best art right now while we're still inexperienced.

I think I'm also going to take GRE classes this summer and out of shear boredom I've been looking at grad schools. I thought I wanted to go to California but now I think it's a waste. I don't want to have to fly every time I want to come home. I think I'm stuck in a Bay State state of mind, b/c I've been drawn to applying to places in Boston. Simmons has a dual degree program with a liberal arts masters and a masters of the arts in teaching. I really like that program, and I also like a program at the University of Virginia. Aside from Virginia, I'm thinking smaller schools w/ lower tuition and a lesser brand name.

On to the sort of big news. So I've been talking to the guy I hooked up with during senior week ever since then. We're also exclusive. He visted me on Memorial Day and I visited him this past Saturday in Philly. I'm bad at planning for these sorts of things so when he came to Baltimore it wasn't anything earth-shattering. We hung out downtown, had dinner, and watched a movie at my house. In Philly, we hung out his house for a bit, made a necessary trip to Sonic (where I devoured an extra long Coney in front of him in an unladylike fashion), and went downtown. After that we tried unsuccessfully to nap even though I got there at 8 in the morning, we went to this black journalists event which is where I ran into the former counselor that I was cool with, funny enough. The event was really nice and we had a lot of fun. I don't know what's going to happen between us and neither does he, I'm sure, but we're having fun.

It's been a while... I'm trying to remember what's happened. Well my classes are pretty mediocre, except for my religion class, which is called "Death and Immortality." I thought it would be depressing, but it's pretty funny. My professor reminds me of Bianca, minus the suck and rampant ageism. And he's funny. So really he doesn't remind me of Bianca at all except for his mannerisms. I've been kinda disappointed with anthro classes this year, but anthro majors never cease to amaze me. They're just absurd individuals. I guess I just like to mull things over rather than shout out whatever comes to mind.

So speaking of strange, I feel like this has been a weird week (well last week was weird). But good. All things considered I feel like this was a good week and weekend. My whole issue is time. Not enough time to do work, not enough to see people, not enough to work on applications, never enough time to talk to people. Balance is also in issue- I think too much about everything so I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I've been on edge a lot lately too. Shit sucks.

Things that have happened include but are not limited to... young adult Mass in the North End, watching synchronized swimming, desert and wine, knight's quest at the Pub, house party, retreat, fight with my mom, bars, the club, Alternative Spring Break fast approaching, graduation fast appraoching, shenanigans and tomfoolery, meeting straight male anthropology majors, seeing Starbucks customers at places that aren't Starbucks and being awkward, LOTS of good conversation with all sorts of people, NOT seeing movies that I want to see such as The Wrestler and Slumdog, buying records I don't need, buying sneakers I don't need, wearing a light jacket.

Random but a few weeks ago my brother did two podcasts that had all cover songs, so they were amazing, because I love all sorts of covers. Anyways, I heard this gem and figured I'd share it:

 

I think despite being a pessimist, things are going to go well and go my way.
The only thing to do is jump over the moon...

Today I had two wisdom teeth removed. It was quick and pretty painless. I got blood on my favorite hoodie, which is awesome/not awesome.
Most of the break I've been extremely lazy and hanging out with mother a lot. I've seen and have been trying to see my friends too. The formerly James BiYearly (read: sporadic) Family Xmas party was a success.
Christmas was good although modest. There wasn't much I wanted/needed but I got big things I really wanted (a new coat, external harddrive) and wasn't expecting (new phone from the father figure) and things in between (money, all-time favorite Jay-Z album, and DVDs such as Darjeeling Limited and a Bleach boxset).

Last week I hung out with Lara W. from the Catholic Center at the Inner Harbor. I complain about the Inner Harbor to anyone who will listen but I always have fun when I'm down there. We went to Five Guys for lunch, then spent a bunch of time at the Visionary Art Museum, which
weirded me out as a kid but I always knew it was the kind of place I would appreciate as I got older. It definitely made me feel a bit inspired but kind of disappointed I threw out my cereal boxes before I left my apartment at BU because I kind of wanted to make something with them. What, you ask? I couldn't tell you.

In an effort to bring new music in my life, since the last album I believe I bought was Vampire Weekend, I bought Fleet Foxes which depresses me to no end but I love it, and the Buzzcocks, which I haven't listened yet to because of the number of viruses that are eating my computer alive at the moment. I've also been using my myspace account again to add the various bad pop-punk bands I know and love. The Maine? 3OH!3? Yes, I am a fourteen-year-old suburban white girl at heart.

Not much else going on- living, praying, sleeping, watching Anthony Bourdain be an ass, and trying not to puke on this computer right now.

Future careers I'm considering at the moment:
- Nun
- Armchair anthropologist   
- Missionary
- Somalian pirate
- On-air foreign talent in Japan

But I am seriously considering doing religious-related service. I can't really expect to paid much money for a job I respect after I graduate (except teaching, but that's in the maybe pile), so I'd rather volunteer doing something I want to do in such exotic locations at South Dakota and unsettled lands of Baltimore City. Or work in another country in general.
Also, armchair anthropology doesn't really require that I know anything about foreign peoples or talk to them, or get on a plane.
Somalian pirate is pretty self-explanatory as far as its awesomeness is concerned.

In related news, I don't want to grow up.

I want to move so far away, I'd be able to brag about it. I would rather tear out my brain stem, drag it to the nearest four-way intersection and skip rope with it than continue living where I do now.

So watching Spongebob today funny enough made me wonder why I am always trying to run away. I still have no answer to that. But my mother and I were talking earlier, and she thinks it's genetic. My dad dropped out of high school and joined the army, went to Princeton for a year and a half, lived in Germany for a while, taught for a bit... we're rolling stones, perhaps?

I have washed my hands of the godforsaken JET application. It's done and I'm praying I at least get an interview. It's kind of funny, they don't ask for race on the application whereas every survey, application, everything in America wants to know what color you are. So I've had 2 dreams about Japan so far, mostly because I'm trying to wrap my head around being in a new country for a year where I'm going to be a gaijin and different in pretty much every (cultural) sense. Whatever happens, I know will be for the best. At this point, Shikata ga nai 仕方がない, or my least favorite Japanese phrase ever, "it can't  be helped."

Oh and random but I hung out at Andrea's Saturday night and immediately after I left I ran into Mike B. He's absurd and I kind of want to make out with his roommate.

( For the benefit of Matt :Women's Retreat, religious stuff,  )

I've been coasting along nonchalantly, and then this weekend it pretty much hit me that I'm a senior and since I'm not planning on going to grad school anytime soon, I'm a bit effed come graduation. So on a whim I decided I should apply to JET (www.us.emb-japan.go.jp/JETProgram/homepage.html), which means I'd teach English in Japan for a year, should I get accepted.
The application is due next Tuesday. Instead of doing what I need to do, I'm just running around like a chicken with its head cut off (read: reading Watchmen for the second time). I just need to get everything done in a timely fashion, but when have I ever done anything timely?

Btw, I'm 21. Celtics game, booze, Indian food, more booze, etc. Finally legal with a birthday I can remember and sans vomit? Priceless.

Umm... in the grand scheme of things, not much going on. I have mostly stupid problems, none of which are really worth acknowledging.
Basically I've still been doing "the Catholic thing" and enjoying it mostly. It's cool to talk to people are my age and have similar spiritual beliefs. I feel like I always associated being religious with being old or creepy and it doesn't always have to be the case. I mean, the Catholic Center kids are pretty cool, as far as I can tell.
School is school. I'm growing to hate this semester and my classes. I'm kind of over anthro right now, too, which is unfortunate. I think the problem is that I'm not taking a class that includes anything I'm passionate about. Japanese Society is okay, but we go over topics so quickly I don't feel like I'm learning much. I used to be so on top of my Latin, now I barely do my homework. Meh.
Work is also work. It's been pretty predictable for the most part and I'm getting less bent out of shape about customers. I spend most of my money on groceries, which kind of sucks. I think I need to supplement my income if I ever want to have some post-graduation "getting by" money.
Love life is nonexistent, which I guess is a good thing since I've been setting personal moral goals, but good lord, I don't have a single potential guy anyway. I hung out with piano guy after class today, and it just left me feeling confused. I think I'm just grasping at (or is it for?) straws. I just like to have crushes and pine over people, and when it's not there I feel like I'm missing something.
On current events, I'm excited, proud, scared, anxious. Not much to say that hasn't already been said.
Birthday week is fast approaching. I think that I always expect way too much to happen and I always have. I turn into a 7-year-old every time. But for what it's worth, it should be good.
I can't believe it's November already. I'm graduating in a few months and I haven't the slightest clue what I should do next.

Umm.... I decided to get involved at Church, and believe it or not, the Bible didn't catch on fire, and I wasn't spat on or stoned.

So we'll see how long this lasts. I've actually wanted to do something since freshman year, too bad it took so long. I'm torn in two, though. Part of me is still very doubtful, but part of me enjoys it anyway.

To new things, I suppose.

 

This weekend flew by. I had a lot, a lot, A LOT of fun while Alex L. and Alicia were here for Otakon.  Hanging out with Tony and Alex W. was a lot of fun too. This con was different for me but in a good way, since I had more than one person to hang out with. I also did some stuff on my own, which I hadn't done before either. I saw The Girl Who Leapt Through Time on my own and it was pretty amazing. It depressed me quite a bit though. Being on my own for a while at the convention just made me think about the people who probably came by themselves and how nice it is for them (and me too) to be around people who "get it," like this one guy that was by himself who talked to me and Alicia for a bit, just asking us about the schedule. It's just nice to talk to someone who doesn't necessarily think you're a freak or a weirdo, for the most part anyway.

Those are my positives and that being said, on to the terrible cosplay. Christopher Nolan and Heath Ledger created a monster. By the end of Saturday, I was starting to think that everyone had a distorted red smile painted on their faces. So many bad Jokers. So many... Overall I was pretty underwhelmed by the cosplay with the exception of a guy dressed up as someone from Global Guts, a ridiculously good Davy Jones, a Dr. Weird from ATHF, and the occasional well-done Code Geass character. OH! And someone was dressed up as Raoul Duke from Fear and Loathing, which of course isn't anime in the least, but it was a good costume (although probably easy to do).
My brother and I have taken it upon ourselves to read the Watchmen because a) it's supposed to be one of the best graphic novels of all time, b) there's only 12 chapters, and c) blah blah blah movie's coming out. The point is I kept my eyes peeled for some good Watchmen costumes but there was only the occasional Rorschach.
 
There were some good ones I missed of course that I found via 4chan, which included a really good Willy Wonka (Depp/Burton edition) and Frank the Bunny, which I'm extremely sad I didn't see. Yay for non-anime cosplay though.

Besides lurking and attending some pretty good panels, I bought a bunch of stuff I don't need. I took the approach of a character from the manga Genshiken, which is never thinking about prices and just get what you want. Oh well, I'll have elaborate wall decorations in my new dorm this fall, which is fast effing approaching. I'm not thinking about it too much, except that I'm so broke that I'm looking forward to coming back to Slavebucks, for now.

My class is over! I'm praying for a C because my final was a failure. Next on the agenda is Rehoboth with my mother. Beyond that... grad school applications and GREs???

- I think premium channels are corrupting my mother. It started with Weeds and Dexter, now she's watching Knocked Up. I think I need to put parental controls on certain shows and movies. Get it, parental controls?!

- I registered for a class at Towson today. The class is about crime scene investigation from an anthropological perspective, or something. Could be interesting, or a joke. If I get this elective out of the way I can take a class I actually want to take with a non-anthro professor I liked at BU.

- I saw (and met) Rooney on Friday. I didn't say anything smart, which will not further my chances at marrying any of them.

- I also went to an Emerica demo last week. The skaters were much nicer than I thought they'd be. I took a picture with He skated for all of 2 minutes at the demo.

- Also, I can't get out of my head. Comedic genius.

Sooo I've been home for a while, since May 14th or the day my brother had to pee in a bottle in bumper to bumper traffic in NY. I started at Friends the day after, doing the usual afterschool thing. It's been okay. I really liked (not to be confused with liked-liked) this one guy Andy who worked there (and attended 'upper school' at Friends) b/c he reminded me a bit of Matt H. A bunch of the guys as usual basically only talked about drinking and going out so I made very little effort to talk to them. Nothing against bars but that's ALL they talked about. Two other guys were really cool and funny, and I liked all the girls for the most part. Things had been fairly uneventful as far as the kids until yesterday when there was a tornado warning. We had to go into the hallways, which interrupted 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' and cupcake day- it is the kids' last week so there was all this stuff planned for them. A few kids were freaking out, despite the fact that it never escalated to more than a heavy storm. 

Since today was the last day at Friends, I have no job for the rest of the summer. I don't care. I might take an anthro class at Towson or UMBC, but I don't know. It's like this: I worked my ass of all year between Starbucks and trying to get the eff out of SMG. I'm on vacation b/c when school starts up again it'll be back to trying to get A's. Sometimes I forget why I keep trying to get A's, but then I remember all the D's I've gotten since I've been at BU and how I want to graduate w/ a gpa I can finally put on a resume. Even if someone is doing 'bad' it's still higher than my gpa. So again I say, I'm on vacation. Oh! I did go to this Starbucks recruiting event which proved useless, so I did try. I look at craigslist every day too, but I haven't seen much worth doing.

Other than work, not much else is going on. I've managed to throw up twice since I've been home- I hate my stomach. I just ran into my old US history teacher, which was weird. I'm doing the 'otaku' thing- I downloaded something like 9 gb of anime and have been reading my mangas over and over. I bought the new David Sedaris book. I realized that I want to marry Bobby Flay and be Paula Deen when I grow up. I've hung out with friends and am still working on/looking forward to seeing other people soon too. I watched the first season of Weeds in one day with my mom, oddly enough. That's about it, I think.

 I stayed in yet another Friday night and still accomplished nothing (and am accomplishing nothing now).
I have 3 papers due next week. Slowly but surely...

Today is the FAB fashion show. I'm excited, somewhat. Yesterday I spent the most shallow 1.25 hours of my life assembling goodie bags with other members. There was talk of The Hills and every cliche pop song you can think of was playing. They seem like nice girls, don't get me wrong, but I think I needed to go read some Nietzsche or something afterwards to recover. 

So I went home last weekend, which was nice. I saw Alec's play. I got a shitty haircut. I had breakfast at IHOP w/ my brother and father. When my dad, my brother and I are together we're pretty ridiculous. My father and I talked about moving- out of the country that is. I don't think Canada or Australia is ready for the James'. I am seriously considering dual citizenship; I've been thoroughly googling it and reading up on Canadian pot laws. I think I want to work and go to grad school in Canada. And maybe learn French too. Who knows?

I've been in kind of a funk to say the least. I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel like I'm just being childish and stupid. Meh.
I haven't been drinking lately, not that I have booze but I haven't been going out much. I think if I drink it will only enable what I've been feeling. I'd go into it, but it's complicated and blah blah blah I'm emo.

Oh and I have no job this summer. Or any plans. I only applied to one place and all of their positions are filled. I really, really, really don't want to work at the supermarket but that may be the only thing that's guaranteed. And I don't think I can just show up at a Starbucks and work since I currently work at a fake one. I honestly want to stay in Boston and take classes, which would be feasible if I didn't spend all the money I made on takeout and clothes. I mean, I guess I could volunteer somewhere, but I don't know where I could do that. I found some places before but I don't remember nor do I really care. I just don't want to double my losses driving all over the place this summer with gas being as high as it is. I never "turn a profit" because of that.